"Marriage is hard.. you have to work at it, but it is worth it at the end," Maggie said to me when I first started this research. Maggie is a 63 year old woman and has been married for 36 years.
I started out trying to write about the secret of a good marriage but somewhere along the way, I ended up with information from various married couples on how to stay married for a long time. I guess you go where the story takes you, so here is a summarised version of my research on "how to stay married for long" from people who have been keeping it together for years.
Point 1: Sex slows down
Advice:
1. It is important to have not just a good sex life but an absolutely amazing sex life, so - you should be open to talking about sex with each other, thinking about making love to each other, making love (sharing pure unadulterated sexual experience) to each other, learning about sex & how to improve your sex life, trying new things together
2. Allow sex/making love open up a connection between the two of you. Share sexual experiences (not necessarily intercourse) from the moment you wake up till the moment you go to sleep. Try different things:- Massage each other
- Take a stroll cuddling/holding each other's hands
- Share picnics (for no particular reason)
- Send each other little text messages of love (you can even go outside the box - be provocative)
- Work on your sex life - learn together - practice what you learnt as soon as you re both alone
- Work on pleasing each other (that way, nobody gets left behind)
- Play with each other as often as possible - (very good stress reliever)
- Flirt with each other (be outrageously flirtatious when alone and subtly flirtatious when with company)
- Share longing gazes across a crowded room
- Whispher sweet nothings ineach other's ears even when in a crowd
- Prepare meals together - share an informal meal together
- Read to each other
- Watch movies together
- Go on dates (no matter how long you've been married)
- Go to sleep in each other's arms (even if you are too tired for sex, sleep cuddling each other)
- Learn to connect/communicate with each other without talking (with your eyes, facial expression). Make it a secret conversation between you two
Point 2: Forsake all others (keeping your vow)
Advice:
- Dress up even as an alter-ego
- Go out (Plan to meet in a bar or pub - pretend you've never met before - ask him/her for a dance)
- Try role plays (Doctor & Nurse etc)
- Do things together & share things you didn't do together
- Share your day/ your dreams/ yourself with each other
- Look after each other/ support one another/ be sensitive & in tune to each other's needs
- Be there for one another emotionally, mentally, physically
- Ensure a bit of give & take - meet in the middle
Point 3: When there are kids...
Advice: ......you become a carer and a bread winner
- Either you share the day to day management of the home if you both are working or one person takes the role of the carer (dealing with the day to day management of the home and the people in it) and the other takes the role of the bread winner (bringing in the bacon)
- There has to be a husband and there has to be a wife in the relationship. You can't both be the wife or the husband.
- Leave the kids with their grand parents for a night or the weekend - turn your home into a den of love. Remind each other why you fell in love in the first place. Eat off each other, have breakfast in bed, spend the day in bed pleasing each other.
Point 4: Make a change for the better -
Advice: Each individual should carry out a self evaluation of themselves and the effect of their actions/behaviour on your relationship. Just like you would evaluate your work/office/business performance and put in to effect strategies to effect a positive change, you must do the same of your relationship. Concentrate on working on yourself/improving yourself to make/bring about a positive effect in your relationship.
- Be a kind, understanding and honest friend instead of a bossy, yelling, manipulative controlling jerk
- Stop over-thinking things and start feeling with your heart
- Stop talking, yelling, arguing, being stubborn and start listening
- Stop comparing your relationship or yourselves to another...concentrate on making your relationship the best you can
- Never let the sun set on your anger or arguments (hence never go to sleep without resolving your issues, kissing and making up)
- Let your love as partners keep you two bonded together & creating something (relationship) that is quite beautiful
Point 5: Keep your marriage private - "respect the sanctity of your marriage" Advice: Do not bring the whole world into your relationship or marital issues, even if the person was the most understanding friend, wise uncle or aunt, most trusted member of your family or your most adored child.
- Discuss your issues level headed
- Try and work through all your issues
- Walk away from a heated argument and together resolve another time on the same day when you both can calmly discuss the issue. Remember it is very difficult to be rational when you are feeling very emotional/ upset/ angry/ exhausted/ hungry/anxious etc.
- Calmly discuss your issues. Listen to each other. Give each other time to speak. Remember nothing will be resolved if you are not totally honest with one another, tolerant of each other, respectful of each other's needs and feeling, accepting of each other's short comings, forgiving.
