Searching for a partner

I was talking to a friend a few days ago and a subject came up.... "searching for a partner". This made me remember other conversations I've had with other people.

For many years, I 've had friends and acquaintances (African men living in the UK and USA) constantly telling me they want to go home and find a wife...the perfect African woman to marry.

Very few have been lucky to marry someone very good but a huge amount have ended up divorcing because according to them "the women come into the country, learn European ways and decide they can do better than their husband".

At the same time, I've spoken to a few Nigerian men living in Nigeria who want a wife outside Nigeria. The story is that "Nigerian women were too greedy and out for what they can get, so they don't feel the women were marrying them for love; others say that African women now date more than two three men at a time - and insist one was to take care of their expenses - another was for how good the man was in bed and a third is a woman they could call their girlfriend"

I guess...the grass is not always greener on the other side as you can get there and find it was full of dog pup!

My question which I will be posting on Facebook to African men is
"why do African men living outside Africa want to marry an African woman who lives in Africa and why do African men living in Africa want to marry African women who live outside Africa"

I 'll be posting the responses I get below so please stay tuned!!!

...............................................................................................................................

 Oby Grace Nneka Okafor  5 December at 15:08  

#Why do African men living outside Africa want to marry an African woman who lives in Africa and why do African men living in Africa want to marry African women who live outside Africa

Chukwuma  

Its called the power of love ( for those that believe). So its where the wind of love push u to! 

5 December at 15:21 · Like

Chichi  

Nne, tell me about it, good question! 5  December at 15:26 via mobile · Like

Eze  

my dear,iv tried it.seems its a waste of time looking for a wife in Europe.time to try home. Lol 5 December at 17:18 · Like

Jonathan  

Those abroad are looking for d homely ones & well cultured bred while those guys inn da african are looking a way to excape poverty circle 5 December at 18:26 · Unlike · 1

Awujo  

@Jonathan .... YOU ARE CORRECT!!!!!!! 5 December at 20:03 · Like

 Arinze 

Lol. If this assertion holds true, it must be attributable to a phenom called 'see-finish'. Simply put, the grass is always greener on another man's lawn. Isn't it said that a prophet is not without honour save for his own country? 5 December at 20:38 via mobile · Like

 Ugo 

Sis,u are so right!!..Lol... or the most part, Jonathan nailed it though...hahahaha 6 December at 04:16 via mobile · Like

 Oby Grace Nneka Okafor 

Tnx Chichi :-); @ Hi chuky, u hv a gd point but this happens in only a few cases wr pple marry 4 love but a huge amth of Africans marry out of duty or pressure.... 6 December at 06:13 via mobile · Like

 Oby Grace Nneka Okafor 

@ Eze, ur answer sounds vry interesting. I hp u dont mind expanding ur answer a bit (ie. sharing ur experience in this matter wt us) 6 December at 06:18 via mobile · Like

 Oby Grace Nneka Okafor 

@ Jonathan, I ve hrd alot of men living outside Africa mk that statement. .the want a homely - cultured woman but wn it comes to men living in Africa, I nvr met a man whose gvn that as a reason....interesting.
I don't tnk this applies to evry man living in Africa bcos the men I wz referring to r successful professionals or business owners who travel in & out of the country wn they pls 6 December at 06:31 via mobile · Like · 1

 Oby Grace Nneka Okafor 

@ Hi Awojo, that is some powerful feeling...I wz wondering if u cld share y u feel Jonathan is CORRECT or perhaps any experiences u ve hd on this matter 6 December at 06:35 via mobile · Like

 Oby Grace Nneka Okafor 

Hahaha. ..Arinze, u r so right....in alot of cases - d grass is greener until u gt there and find it is full of dog dudu!
But y do u tnk this is the case though...hv u or do u knw of anyone whs md this sort of decision. ..wht wz the outcome. Did they find the grass wz greener or full of dog shit? ? 6 December at 06:43 via mobile · Like

 Oby Grace Nneka Okafor 

Hi ugo...share, am all ears. Knw of anyone whs taken such a decision. ..wht wz their reason & the outcome of this decision 6 December at 06:46 via mobile · Like

 Oby Grace Nneka Okafor 

From personal knwldg, I knw 2 men who hv gone hm & married an African woman & it hd worked out quiet well - in one case, the woman didnt like being in the UK. I also knw a few men (well 2 in d UK & 1 in d US) who hv gone hm & married an African woman bt lost them within a couple of months of living together. Two of my friends who wr living in d UK r happily married to men who live in 9ja while one wnt back 4 her wedding to an African man & gt swindled out of her money. There re positive & negative outcomes so far but I strongly blv its not wr the person lives but hw well u two gel/ connect on a vry personal level... 6 December at 07:02 via mobile · Like

 Eze 

@oby,its a long story,if my first relationship in d UK was a mistake. D second a coincidence. My dear what do I call d third?im not spotless but.... Sincerely I have failed. 6 December at 07:38 via mobile · Edited · Like

 Arinze 

@ Eze, as they say: 1st is happenstance; 2nd is coincidence: 3rd is enemy action. 6 December at 09:54 via mobile · Like · 1

 Ugo 

The illusion most Nigerian men have is that a lady who is too exposed to western culture will not be a perfect wife...she may not be as submissive to her husband as those in Naija...certainly won't come back from work at 6pm and start preparing food for u that came back at 4pm...things of that nature...On the other hand,men in naija generally get to see the reality of being a Naija girl...the gold digging,the epidermic prostitution etc...so they don't wanna wife the used and abused good...and also u have the large percentage of them who want a visa or passport so they can escape their boring life in Naija... 6 December at 10:06 · Unlike · 3

 Arinze 

@ Tai. Slow ur roll, bro. There is no evidence to show that women resident in Nigeria are more inclined than those outside to engage in sex4profit. I stand corrected. 6 December at 11:22 via mobile · Like · 1

 Ugo 

@Arinze...the statement says its an illusion most Nigerian men have...U decide what it is to u... 6 December at 13:06 · Like

 Ugo 

@Arinze...the statement says its an illusion most Nigerian men have...U decide what it is to u... 6 December at 13:08 · Like · 1

 Arinze 

@ Ugo: 'On the other hand,men in naija generally get to see the reality of being a Naija girl...the gold digging,the epidermic prostitution etc...so they don't wanna wife the used and abused good...' are we still talking about illusion here, or discussing ur PoV? (that's point of view). pls shed more light. 6 December at 13:14 · Like

 Ugo 

The reality is that most women are money conscious..but the naija girl is even more so than normal...many see marriage as their only escape from poverty...they certainly won't marry u in ur not already made,complete with a job,house and car.. most of these girls at uni with a bold5 have a dad who's a clerk in some office and haven't even received his pay for the past 3 months...go figures who paid for it...they fly first class to the hottest political parties in abuja/lagos and stay at exclusive hotels with their rich clients...In abuja,before its even 5pm, more than 100 girls are lined up all over the streets of wuse ready to start business 4 the nite...there are countless at wine shop and other places...the point isn't that only naija girls prostitute but the truth is that an average white man will marry any girl he falls inlove with irrespective of her past...the average naija man wants a wife who preferrably haven't been touched by any other man (illusion much!)...has a clean past..hasn't had 5 or 6 abortions in her hey days etc...and let's face it everyone knows that girl down their street who is a "pay as u go" chic..even when she left IMT or IMSU for the weekend in Abuja...we still bump into them...knowing all that,one can't help but wonder.."Was my fiancee once a good time girl?"...so they feel its safer to marry a girl outside...so to say...#just a notion... 6 December at 13:34 · Unlike · 1

 Arinze 

UR PoV IS TO BE RESPECTED; SUBSTANTIATED OR NOT. I JUST WANTED TO BE SURE THAT I WASN'T MISREPRESENTING U, OR QUOTING YOU OUT OF CONTEXT. SO, WE ARE AGREED THAT 'YOU BELIVE THAT NIGERIAN WOMEN ARE MORE LAX, MORALLY THAN THOSE BASED OUTSIDE OF NIGERIA; EXTENDING THE ARGUMENT, YOU FURTHER BELIEVE THAT NIGERIAN BASED WOMEN ARE MORE INCLINED TO SPREAD IT FOR THE BENJAMINS, THAN THOSE BASED OUTSIDE' IS THIS YOUR POSITION? IF YES, THEN I MUST RESPECT THAT. HOWEVER, I ARGUE THAT IT MIGHT BE SPECULATIVE, EVEN OUTRIGHTLY UNTRUE. 6 December at 13:39 · Like

 Ugo 

@Arinze...well then I respect ur opinion... 6 December at 15:24 · Like

 Oby Grace Nneka Okafor 

@ Tai...those are powerful statements you made. I guess your POV is based on the fact you have lived in Nigeria and outside Nigeria for years, have friends living both in and outside Nigeria, as a result can make these statements based on what you have not only heard but also seen. Thank you so much for your in put. 6 December at 23:28 · Like · 1

 Oby Grace Nneka Okafor 

@ Arinze, based on your last statement, I can see you strongly do not believe what Tai has said. I can also see that there is more to your statement.....it would be nice if you cld share what you know/feel/believe especially since you also live in Nigeria and must have lots of friends who are either dating or married. It sounds to make like you need a little bit cajoling to share your knowledge :-) 6 December at 23:33 · Like

 Oby Grace Nneka Okafor 

So why do you think Tai 's statements are 'speculative, even outright untrue' 6 December at 23:35 · Like

 Oby Grace Nneka Okafor 

@ Eze, am so sorry to hear about your experiences. Were these marriages (1) all in the UK or part in the UK and the other back home (2) were they to African women....and if so, were the women born and raised in the UK , born and raised in African or born in African but moved over here later in their life. 6 December at 23:44 · Like

 Oby Grace Nneka Okafor 

Hi Martin,how are you? Your input in this discussion will be greatly appreciated especially since you are in Nigeria at present, have friends both in and outside Nigeria who are married and single. What do you make of the main post and the comments that have been made here so far? 6 December at 23:49 · Like

 Arinze 

Lol @ 'cajoling'. 7 December at 01:10 via mobile · Unlike · 1

 Eke 

Dear Oby, I cannot help but notice how much 'ink' u have spent on thi issue. I have to ask, are u in Nigeria seeking a husband abroad or are u abroad being wooed and courted by men in nigeria? If none of the above , is there a dilema in ur life rite now about mr rite? 7 December at 21:41 via mobile · Unlike · 2

 Eke 

Ragnar Nurske a reknowned economist stated tha 'country is poor because it is poor' I borrow that conjecture and add a person is however he/she is because that is how he/she is. How can u tell a decent girl? 7 December at 21:45 via mobile · Like

 Eke  

A decent girl in my opinion may not only be she who is discriminate about her actions and words but also one who does not feign to be even when she really isn't. A decent girl is the one who takes care of u regardless of ur stature or how much u spend or are willing to spend on her, a decent girl condones ur actions while discouraging u with gentle subtle suggestions. A decent girl knows that creating her perfect man takes time. She also is good at house chor€ß äñd çóíg 7 December at 21:52 via mobile · Like

 Eke 

A decent girl in my opinion may not only be she who is discriminate about her actions and words but also one who does not feign to be even when she really isn't. A decent girl is the one who takes care of u regardless of ur stature or how much u spend or are willing to spend on her, a decent girl condones ur actions while discouraging u with gentle subtle suggestions. A decent girl knows that creating her perfect man takes time. She also is good at house chor€ß äñd çóíg 7 December at 21:53 via mobile · Like

Eke 

House chores and cooking. A decent man is one who is moderate. Selfish but empathetic, strongwilled but understanding, ready to apologise if wrong, makes up for other personal lapses. Willing to take advice. 7 December at 21:58 via mobile · Like

 Eke 

I have been fortunate to meet such a decent girl in my life before. She took me as I was, flaws and all, I don't care if a lady has slept with men in her past. That is just what it is, 'past' what matters most is the present, a rare gift which shows u that d unique flaws of the lady in question have molded her into the wonderful creature she is capable of being. We are still gr8 friends but @ times Í can'help but feel I messed up with the rare jewel here in Ñäíjä 7 December at 22:10 via mobile · Unlike · 1

 Oby Grace Nneka Okafor 

Hello Eke. Hp u re doing good today.I wld like to say tnk u Eke for ur unique insight & contributions to this indeed an fascinating discussion. It's always nice hearing people's perspective, ideas, opinions, experiences and I blv that only by keeping an open mind - do we truly learn something 8 December at 01:18 via mobile · Like

 Oby Grace Nneka Okafor 

In answer to ur question Eke, I am Nigerian & proud of my heritage & culture. I don't live in 9ja but I do hwever friends & families in 9ja and away. The reason I posted this statement wz to get a more general perspective on an issue I keep coming across for the past 8 December at 01:29 via mobile · Like

 Oby Grace Nneka Okafor 

Couple of years 8 December at 01:31 via mobile · Like

 Chima  

Your question is too general so I suspect you are already familiar with most of the answers to your question but Ugo's answer pretty much sums up your question. When all is said and done, one of the main reasons pple marry for is convinience so wht is coinvinient for them is what they go for.
I know a guy who'll be convinient for you though. I've sent him your number :-) 8 December at 04:21 via mobile · Edited · Unlike · 2

 Oby Grace Nneka Okafor 

Chima u worry ooO! Eke, u see u miss one more qtn 'No 3 qtn: R men in US (ps chima) tryn 2 set me up wt men I dont knw who live in 9ja & UK' hahaha! !!!  8 December at 10:08 via mobile · Like

 Oby Grace Nneka Okafor 

@ Chima, I dont do convenience - I do luv & romance plus all the shin-dinghy that goes wt it or nothing at all. :-)
But on a more serious note :-P ....I wldnt so mch as say I am familiar wt the answers bcos a HUGE amth of wht i knw is nt necessarily wht i'd seen bt wht I'd bn told (i.e. if u discount African movies). Wn u say one of the main reasons pple marry is 4 convenience...Do u mean African men, Africans or men in general  8 December at 10:25 via mobile · Like

 Eke 

Dear Oby, I think Ugo et Chima mean 'People in General', there is this notion that guys in general are polygamous and 'nomadic' in nature. this is slightly true. but according to evolution theorists, even the nomadic ancestors of man finally settled down for the 'convenience' of raising their families, and livelihoods.Most people therefore it can be argued, settle down for the convenience of the following possible factors. 1. ready, available, steady, unlimited supply of sex without the guilt afterwards. 2. companionship; man is a social being and is lonely even when he or she is psychologically built to be a loner. 3. the master-slave relationship; some ladies only get married to a man they think they can control and vice versa. 4. genuine emotional satisfaction; the 'this is the one' syndrome. 5. emotional pity : the ' we've been together long, we just must get married' syndrome. 6. continuation of progeny/lineage.7. Security; 'I am where I ought to be' syndrome. among others. Sunday at 06:33 · Unlike · 1

 Pearl 

Cos hun the grass always seems greener on the other side x Sunday at 13:55 · Unlike · 1

 Eke Gr8 one pearl Sunday at 19:17 via mobile · Like

 Oby Grace Nneka Okafor 

Hahaha. ..Eke, u 'll say I ASKED and you SUPPLIED. I ve nvr heard of those b4. Wn I read 'em ......I cld nt help bt LMAO!! Monday at 01:25 via mobile · Like

 Oby Grace Nneka Okafor 

Good one Monday at 01:25 via mobile · Like